Developments with Depression

My name is Chris I am 31 years young and I'm about to start studying Web Development at Edinburgh College. This Blog is to let you know about my struggles with depression and anxiety and other mental health issues that have led me to this point in my life, and why I think a career in Web Development is my way forward.

6 years ago I had what the doctors called a psychotic episode (no one was harmed in the making of this episode!) I was hearing voices and was paranoid that everybody was talking about me even people that I didn't know. My mind was racing at a million miles per hour and I was treating every person I knew as an enemy and untrustworthy. I had completely lost the plot!! As a result I was admitted to Andrew Duncans psychiatric unit in Edinburgh . At the time I felt like I was in Hell's waiting room. When I was in here mine and my lovely Fiancee's Wedding was postponed as I wouldn't be well enough in time. That was really hard on us both but even in this difficult period she stood by me and put my health issues first and I will always be eternally grateful for her.

I spent just over a month in the Psychiatric unit and put on a lot of weight which led to even more depression and anxiety and I completely retreated from the world for the next 4 years. I wouldn't go anywhere not even the shops around the corner from my house as I still thought that everyone was out to get me and would mention how much weight I'd put on. The easier option was to stay in doors and play xbox 24/7. Playing xbox was a release for me it took me out of the real world and into whatever world I felt like being in on that day. It became my comfort zone very quickly. Over the next 2 years I started to challenge myself to get out more even just a small trip to the shops felt like a huge victory however depression and anxiety still ruled. I'd spend months at a time going back into my comfort zone and staying there. I started contemplating what my life even was and what I could do to stop wasting it because being 31 with no prospects is a difficult pill to swallow.

So what now? I asked myself. What jobs can I do from home I started Googling "how to make money online" "what jobs can I do that doesn't involve talking to people". Whilst I found lots of advice none got me excited. During the many hours of gaming I had played survival games like Ark and DayZ I purchased servers through Nitrado for these games. I spent time watching various tutorials on YouTube from a guy called Don Sibley. I followed along his advice to customise these servers with code. I spent hours and hours changing the code to make things like cars spawn fully kitted out and various other things. The satisfaction I got from making these changes in the files logging into the game and seeing them actually work was so rewarding. This was my first experience with coding and I didn't even realise at first that people make a career out of writing code but the more I looked into it the more i realised that not only is coding something you can get you a job but it's also something that you can create things with and it's actually very well paid!! The biggest appeal for me was that you don't even have to leave your house to do it!!!

So I started watching videos on YouTube about web development and what is required of me to learn this. Most of the videos I came across told me first thing I need is a CS (computer science) degree. So I signed up for CS50's free course on computer science and started first lesson. It started off well I made a game in an application called Scratch. My game is called Mic Drop! basically microphones drop from the sky and you move the guy at the bottom and catch them before they drop and the more you catch the faster they come at you (amazing i know). I was buzzing I couldn't believe that I had created this game everyone that came into my house was forced to play it and some of them even enjoyed it! My son still holds the high score I occasionally go back and try to beat him with no luck yet. The second lesson NOT SO FUN! I was way out of my depth and whilst CS50 is a brilliant resource I struggled to understand the terminology being used by the lecturer but tried my hand at the second project which was to make a Mario Pyramid and reverse it using the language C. I struggled immensely with this challenge and used YouTube to find a walkthrough and completed it. I felt so conflicted as I hadn't actually done the work myself but had just copied someone else's solution to the problem. So i decided to step back from CS50 as it was too advanced and not personal enough I needed spoon fed not left to my own devices.

I was scrolling through twitter and saw a thread of a guy called Pratham the thread was a roadmap of what to learn in what order and how much time to spend on each topic. It was amazingly helpful and gave me a sense of direction I knew what to learn and in what order. So I started learning HTML and CSS and I loved it I created a clone of the google homepage which wasn't as easy as it sounds and done lots of tutorials on YouTube and followed along making lots of websites and it was really fun. It felt like something I could wake up doing everyday and could enjoy. Though coding brings its own stress and frustrations, when you actually solve problems you have been struggling with, the sense of achievement it brings is amazing. In that moment you feel like there is nothing you can't do or achieve. I also done some @freecodecamp.org challenges and enjoyed them as well. Then i got to JavaScript and was immediately overwhelmed again it was so confusing and STILL IS!! I put JS to the back of my mind and carried on with HTML and CSS because they were again (in my comfort zone) it was too hard to learn JS and I didn't want to keep learning as it was making me feel like a failure every time I tried. A few months passed and I was still dabbling with code but JS had put me off big time. I went back to being lazy and procrastinating and this for me is still very much a daily battle. And one of the main reasons I applied to Edinburgh College because it would force me out of my comfort zone but also give me the comfort of learning this stuff with a teacher to guide me through the process. Left to my own devices I tend to run around in pointless circles learning lots but not soaking up much of it.

In Web Development I have learnt there is far too much too learn but just writing out a list of what to learn and in what order has helped me a lot. I'm new to this world but it has already given me so much. Its given me the confidence to apply for college which takes me out of my bubble and into an unfamiliar situation. Its given me satisfaction of looking at things I have made and thinking did I really make this.Its gave me something to aim towards and a sense of self. Its pushing me into new territories everyday and for that I am grateful. Embrace your failure if you want it go and get it. Don't let tricks of the mind tell you it's too hard or you are not smart enough. Learn from my mistakes. The only thing holding you back is YOU. On days that you are struggling talk to someone. Put yourself out there. There is no limits to what you and I can achieve if we get up and dust ourselves off. Ask for advice you are not on your own. The twitter tech community is a wonderful place full of wonderful people who are all fighting for each other. And elevating each other. I plan on making many connections and my inbox is always open for a chat about anything. I'm not even sure why I am writing all this but have found it to be very therapeutic to let out some of my struggles I have kept to myself for years.

I start college at the end of August and am very excited. I look forward to continuing to share my journey with you guys thank you for taking time to read this <3